“Sometimes, children with special needs are sent into our lives as angels to teach us how to be kind.”*
Um, what?
I blinked a couple of times, re-read the meme-formatted quote, and felt distinctly unsettled. The message looks begin, and was obviously intended as a kind word. In comparison to all the messages in the world and on the internet that there’s something wrong with people with special needs, it is a downright generous thing to say.
I felt a jolt when I read that quote, not unlike someone tossing cold water in my face.
Here’s the thing: I was once a child with special needs, who grew up to be an adult with special needs. And I can tell you that growing up as a child with a disability is distinctly painful. The insinuation that I was made to have special needs because someone else needed me to be that way is not only unsettling to me, but it’s downright insulting. Let me say that again, but with different wording: I feel patronized.
I’m sure that the post I read wasn’t intended the way I took it. But it did make me feel exactly as if whoever wrote it was saying, “You know those people with special needs? Aren’t they cute?”
Those of us with intellectual disabilities do tend to behave a little differently than our neurotypical peers. Several of us are really kind to other people, and many of us are generous with whatever we have, because some of us never quite “outgrow” our concern with making sure that if we’re having a good time, our friends are too. Even so, I feel that framing us as “angels” puts a lot of undue pressure on us to behave a certain way. I would hate for someone to look to me as an “angel,” only to become disappointed with me if I do happen to become angry, impatient, or downright peevish – which, by the way, are moods that come over me a lot more often than you know.
I have acted in the role of “angel” to other people before, but that’s really not who I am – it’s only one of the hats I wear. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy when I find a way to be helpful to another person. But I do not wish that to be framed as my purpose.
I’m reasonably certain that some of my readers are thinking, “Oh, that quote that upset you meant children with severe disabilities – you don’t count.” I assure you, that if I felt that quote like a punch in the gut, I “count.” I’ll remind you that I was once a child, and that young voice still resides in my mind. As for the second part of that possible objection to my claim that the quote is hurtful – that I’m not disabled enough for that post to have meant me – let me ask you this: What do you mean by “disabled enough?” There is no line between “high-functioning” and “low functioning” – it’s all a blurred shade of gray. In other words, telling me that I’m not handicapped enough to feel insulted by how people with disabilities are talked about is exactly like arguing with me about exactly which shade of gray is “gray enough.”
I realize that I’ve beaten my point to death by now – and I really hope that I didn’t unintentionally make anyone feel shamed for how they have spoken about people like me in the past – but before I close this post, I would like to point out one more thing: If there’s a child with a disability in your life, and you talk about them as if they are an “angel,” you might be hurting them too. They might be tuned out and may not catch a word you say. Or they might be absorbing everything. And they might even feel guilty for times when they haven’t acted like an “angel” at all.
Please don’t label a person with special needs based on the fact that we do have special needs. Don’t frame us as “stupid,” “absent,” “angelic,” or “sweet.” Trying to make assumptions about our personalities will do more harm than good.
I wonder how a person
who grew up with a physical disability would have read that quote? I’m
interested to know.
* I’m reciting the wording from the post from memory, and it may be inaccurate. I don't think the quote was attributed to anyone in particular.