I shouldn't feel this way.
Variations of that thought have come stomping through my mind for nearly as long as I can remember. Why am I unhappy? I'm supposed to be having a good time. Why do I have to be such a picky eater? We just barely went grocery shopping, but I still can't find one thing that I really want to eat. Why do I feel lonely? There are no fewer than five members of my family I can talk to, and I have plenty of friends I can text.
Considering the messages our culture sends us about our emotions, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I don't really give myself permission to feel whatever I want to feel in the moment. Be grateful, there's always someone worse off than you. Don't be a Negative Nelly. No use crying over spilled milk. Quit whining. Grin and bear it. Get over yourself. Don't cry. If you smile for long enough, it will make you feel better. Don't be such a drag. No one likes a downer. No one can make you sad - that's your choice. Have you tried positive affirmations? Don't give me that face. It can't be that bad. There's no reason to feel that way.
Just what is it about emotions that makes people want to stamp them out, both in themselves and in other people? Do we honestly think that emotions need to be trained not to turn sour, the same way we might train a puppy not to nip?
Whatever the reason, I absorbed the impression that if you let yourself feel unpleasant things for "no good reason," you must be weak. That you must misbehaving in some way if you're discontent. But here's the thing - emotions you ignore will only become more overwhelming the longer you keep them hidden. Those negative emotions grow in a similar fashion as mold - the longer you ignore it and leave it in the dark, the larger and nastier they become. We have never, ever done ourselves or anyone else any favors by ignoring emotions. Whatever inconvenience those emotions may cause for us will only be amplified if we try to pretend those feelings don't exist.
Something that I'm learning, one little piece at a time, is that I shouldn't feel this way is nothing but a flimsy but life-destroying lie. If you're feeling something, there's a reason - emotions are the heart's way of communicating to you what it needs. Complex beings that we are, some of our deepest and most important needs are ones that defy logic - and ignoring those needs affects all facets of our lives. We see people drinking, overeating, binging television shows all day, having affairs, impulsively overspending, and so many other things in a desperate scramble to numb the pain that has festered like a blister after being ignored for too long.
Now, before someone or a rather comes back to me with something along the lines of, "Don't tell me you're saying that letting yourself be negative all the time is the right thing to do?" let me say this: Giving yourself permission to feel means internalizing the good things too. All the benefits you get from letting yourself sit with your unhappiness would be completely defeated if you weren't honest with yourself about your joys too. There are days when I find myself singing happily to myself for no reason at all, even though I'd already had a really hard week. There are moments when I find that I feel all right in my heart, even if my head aches terribly. And there are hours when I can see the clouds left by sorrow clear from my mind, on their own volition and without my having to force them away.
The joys of life defy logic just as often as our grievances, and ignoring one, the other, or both, will undoubtedly lead to the very misery we were trying to avoid in the first place.
I know it won't be something I'll learn how to do overnight, but I'm going to do what I can to give myself permission to feel, no matter what those feelings may be.
Variations of that thought have come stomping through my mind for nearly as long as I can remember. Why am I unhappy? I'm supposed to be having a good time. Why do I have to be such a picky eater? We just barely went grocery shopping, but I still can't find one thing that I really want to eat. Why do I feel lonely? There are no fewer than five members of my family I can talk to, and I have plenty of friends I can text.
Considering the messages our culture sends us about our emotions, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I don't really give myself permission to feel whatever I want to feel in the moment. Be grateful, there's always someone worse off than you. Don't be a Negative Nelly. No use crying over spilled milk. Quit whining. Grin and bear it. Get over yourself. Don't cry. If you smile for long enough, it will make you feel better. Don't be such a drag. No one likes a downer. No one can make you sad - that's your choice. Have you tried positive affirmations? Don't give me that face. It can't be that bad. There's no reason to feel that way.
Just what is it about emotions that makes people want to stamp them out, both in themselves and in other people? Do we honestly think that emotions need to be trained not to turn sour, the same way we might train a puppy not to nip?
Whatever the reason, I absorbed the impression that if you let yourself feel unpleasant things for "no good reason," you must be weak. That you must misbehaving in some way if you're discontent. But here's the thing - emotions you ignore will only become more overwhelming the longer you keep them hidden. Those negative emotions grow in a similar fashion as mold - the longer you ignore it and leave it in the dark, the larger and nastier they become. We have never, ever done ourselves or anyone else any favors by ignoring emotions. Whatever inconvenience those emotions may cause for us will only be amplified if we try to pretend those feelings don't exist.
Something that I'm learning, one little piece at a time, is that I shouldn't feel this way is nothing but a flimsy but life-destroying lie. If you're feeling something, there's a reason - emotions are the heart's way of communicating to you what it needs. Complex beings that we are, some of our deepest and most important needs are ones that defy logic - and ignoring those needs affects all facets of our lives. We see people drinking, overeating, binging television shows all day, having affairs, impulsively overspending, and so many other things in a desperate scramble to numb the pain that has festered like a blister after being ignored for too long.
Now, before someone or a rather comes back to me with something along the lines of, "Don't tell me you're saying that letting yourself be negative all the time is the right thing to do?" let me say this: Giving yourself permission to feel means internalizing the good things too. All the benefits you get from letting yourself sit with your unhappiness would be completely defeated if you weren't honest with yourself about your joys too. There are days when I find myself singing happily to myself for no reason at all, even though I'd already had a really hard week. There are moments when I find that I feel all right in my heart, even if my head aches terribly. And there are hours when I can see the clouds left by sorrow clear from my mind, on their own volition and without my having to force them away.
The joys of life defy logic just as often as our grievances, and ignoring one, the other, or both, will undoubtedly lead to the very misery we were trying to avoid in the first place.
I know it won't be something I'll learn how to do overnight, but I'm going to do what I can to give myself permission to feel, no matter what those feelings may be.
