So, I there's something I've been realizing, and I'm feeling very sobered. I keep on saying things like, "I don't know why I feel this way, because nothing seems that wrong." I've been kidding myself, and lying to other people into the bargain. My "normal" includes chronic pain, high levels of anxiety, a baseline level of depression, and chronic fatigue, just to name a few of my many struggles. My life has been this way since before the migraines, and will probably remain in a similar state, even if the migraines eventually stop.
The truth of the matter is that I'm so used to feeling like crap that if what I'm feeling isn't that much worse than my usual level of crap, I try to dismiss my struggles. "Oh, why isn't my room clean, why don't I exercise, and why am I not socializing?" I think to myself. "I feel only slightly worse than usual. I should be able to take this." I seem to just sort of forget that I have actual reasons to be struggling. And yet, I'm constantly criticizing myself for my weaknesses, and trying to hide those weaknesses from other people too. "Sorry, I don't know why I'm becoming emotional right now," I say to others, while mentally berating myself for letting my emotions show. "I'll be okay in a minute," I lie. I lie as I'm breaking down on the inside from pressures that I'm too afraid to talk about. Pressures that I don't always have words to describe.
When you come right down to it, I'm a mess, and it's probably my denial of my own problems that caused me to get this sick. There are health issues I was born with, but if I had always been open with my family and with myself about how I was feeling, those issues would never have become as bad as they did. Refusing yourself things you need is downright dangerous, and I'm only barely starting to unravel the reasons why I do this to myself. Somehow, I've had an idea in my head that "good" people don't ask for anything for themselves.
I don't know how I'm going to fix this habit of lying about how I'm feeling. I just know that I have to overcome it somehow.
